All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
