dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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