I'm drive I can fine osifer
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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