who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
