Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
