Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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