I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
