I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
