Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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