just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize