Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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