This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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