I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
