I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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