I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
