Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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