those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
