It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
