Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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