No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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