Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There are leaves in my underwear?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
