U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
