She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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