when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
