so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize