I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
