he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
