he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
