I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
