You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
