Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
