i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
