Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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