Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
