I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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