You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
