This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
