I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
