Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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