Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
