Your face is a jimmy john
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
