Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
