If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
