By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I love having hate sex.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
