It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
NoShamevember. You game?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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