The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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