Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
