i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
