from now on my penis is your penis
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Enjoy the penises
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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