Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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