Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
