It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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