Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
